Tuesday, August 27, 2013



I was upset and irritated over the last week for having been conned into a discussion on a topic in which I have no interest nor have any knowledge. My naivete was exposed. All because of this guy, my beard, he got me into it. I had made the mistake of letting his feelings known to everyone as per his own wish and now see what it has got me into. Last time after I had narrated the events leading to his existence he cribbed, cringed and protested that his side of the story was not heard. So under the threat of his continued irritation and making my life miserable I went ahead with making public his views. Ever since he has been amiable, in fact certain smoothness has been evinced in his existence. But tonight I was irritated and scratched him awake.

“What’s the problem, you seem annoyed?” he asked

“Boss, I have had enough. You be where you are and I shall remain where I am, no more conversations.”

“Now, now don’t take any drastic steps. You know we have to co-exist and there is no way you can stop talking to me. You will acknowledge that I have been behind all your inspirations. At times when you have got stuck in the middle of a sentence, you have gently nudged me and I have responded. Tell me why you are so desperate today.”

“See ever since I told them how you feel they seem to be more obsessed with your existence and in the process I am slowly fading into obscurity. There is this guy, whom someone has termed a beard maniac, I am frightened for his obsession with you is so deep that he seems to talk only about you. Of course you have been called all kind of names something like Namo, which I have been told by some is a sort of bad word, while others feel that it is an endearing term. They have even insinuated that you have great aspirations and are trying to outgrow and dominate the scenery. A number of people like you and an equal number do not, for they are jealous that they do not have your looks or traits. These people say that you hide a number of things for example my face. But I know otherwise, you have given me a new look by hiding my insignificant chin. The only solution I see is that you should start sprouting on their chins faster than they can shave.”

“Still I do not see why you should be so upset. See it is a choice that they are free to make, whether to have me or not. You remember you were reading something which was sent to you by one of your friends. Didn’t it say that the beard is a man’s follicular armour and provides a visual display of physical strength and stature. So it is for them to decide whether to have me or one of those smooth, and slippery faced guys. But strangely I find that they have also started to acknowledge my existence. But you can still see through to their baby face, they try to have me on their face to hide their vulnerability. Anyway I think that the people are smart enough to judge which is the more original and a beard with deeper roots. Let them choose the best beard that they want to have.”

“All well said. You seem to be basking in your own glory. But I am all confused when people say different things. Only the other day I told you that I let you grow for a period of seven days only after which I trimmed you because I read somewhere that it turns on the opposite sex. Even so I did not have any luck on this count. Today I read that even though all those famous personalities have started growing beards and longer ones, that ‘while 92 per cent of women preferred men without beards, 95 per cent of women found men with a stubble a turn-off’. Now what do I do? I cannot afford to have you of my face for you have always been there at least for a major part of my life. Of course in the same article it was written that Freud’s personality was accentuated by his beard which was a ‘hallmark of phallic power’. I am comforted by the fact that Freud must have with his knowledge of the workings of the human mind decided to grow his beard. But what really galled me was this statement from the same article that ‘Men with beards may be having more fun but its not with women’. Doesn’t it bother you?” You see in all these, a person should be in a position to choose what he thinks is best for him, whether they want a beard or not. To hell with what you hide or not, after all it is my face.”

 He was silent for sometime and then said “well I understand your dilemma. You feel that it is going to be a battle of the beards but you can wait and see who gets shaved first.”

“I am sure that the beardless will be relentless in their attacks on the bearded ones and vice versa. But that’s all politics isn’t it?”

He said “I can only say hold your ground, I mean your face” and went to sleep.


Varsha said...

Enjoy being the topic of discussion while it lasts! What a beard hides or accentuates is irrelevant. It makes a person stand out in a crowd of beardless people.

kerala said...

This brilliant blog post has hurt my religious sentiments by uttering blasphemy about the holy beard like "92% of women prefer men without beards, 95% of women find men with a stubble a turn-off... Men with beards may not be having fun with women". If you do not post an unconditional apology prominently as your blog post within 24 hours, I shall ask certain Sena's to have you arrested for trying to increase the libido of clean-shaved men, making them run after 92% of women.