A LETTER TO GOD - 3
It has been sometime since I wrote to you. Not that I did not have anything to write about, but because I have been flooded with more doubts, misgivings despite the fact that I have poured my heart out to you in my last two letters. Incidentally I may remind you that I have not received any reply even the customary blessing from you. Anyway I take it that you have read it. You may have decided that I do not need any answers and I have to find them out by myself. In which case, why should I still hang on to you. You keep dangling that ‘hope’ in front of me, like a carrot in front of the donkey, that is why. But like I said before, I shall continue writing to you whether you hear me or not, whether you afford a solution or not.
Today I shall talk to you about ‘The Guardians of God’. You look surprised? Well yes you have guardians, you must be aware of them. They guard you from people like me, they do not let me approach you, lest I pollute your presence. Doubts are blasphemous, and you are an outcaste if you do not adhere to the code they have laid down. They take your name and say that it is how one should approach you or worship you. Did you say such a thing, dear God? It seems that I know you better than these people, you would never say such a thing, for you never say anything.
Today I watched you from a corner, for I wanted to catch a glimpse of you. I was happy to see you, it did not matter whether your gaze was directed towards me even for a fraction of a second. How could you see me when there were so many eager faces thrusting themselves to catch a glimpse of you and hoping that you will reward them with your benign smile, a smile of recognition.
Someone I knew asked me why I had not worn a dhoti and put the holy ash on my forehead before coming to see you. I had never really thought about it, I just came to see you. I told him just that. He looked bemused and moved on. I have decided that next time I come, I shall accordingly adorn myself and see whether I can get closer to you.
Today I saw that there are people, who are more equal than others, who can get closer to you and who are above the norms that have been laid down and attributed to you. At least that is how they feel, but I know that it does not matter to you, but it matters to people like me.
Of course I appreciate that it is necessary to have these ‘Guardians’ to protect you, looking at the frenzy that your presence evoked, there could easily have been a stampede and even you may not have been spared.
At the end of it all the general consensus and the topic of discussion was that the entire function was well conducted. Pardon me, but I left before you started your address to your devotees. As is my wont I later asked someone as to what you spoke, I was told you spoke very well and that was it.
It intrigues me whenever I wonder whether you bless everyone who comes to you or are selective in your blessings. For if you bless everyone then there should be no reason for anyone to be unhappy, but that is not the case. So are you selective? If so why? I know you will say ‘ be sincere and truthful in your prayers, have patience’. Yes I have been waiting.
Coming back to the ‘Guardians’, last week I had an occasion to visit Kolkata after a long time, just for two days. The people I had gone with insisted that we visit the Kali temple at Kalighat, after all a visit to Kolkata is incomplete without visiting and worshipping you there. And what a visit it was! I do not think I shall visit you there again, even at the cost of incurring your wrath, for that would be preferable to try and see you there. I had resolved before the visit that I shall not succumb to the lure of the pujaris and their henchmen, to get a preferential treatment and a closer look at you. But what happened, seemed beyond my control. The minute I alighted from the taxi, I was hijacked by one of the henchmen and I succumbed. Though I did put up a resistance and held on tightly to my purse, I had to loosen the strings a bit. I was not allowed to see you unless I had filled the outstretched hands of one of your guardians, who stood at the entrance to your sanctum sanctorum, who shouted that it is not possible to go inside and pushed away anyone who wanted a peek at you atleast. Of course depending on the amount one put in his hands, he was allowed a glimpse of you. I lasted exactly five seconds, the next thing I found myself being escorted by the henchman to be blessed by a purohit who uttered something, placed his hand on my head and demanded Rs. 1100 as dakshina. I kept my wits around me and paid him Rs. 100 and got out of there fast. On my way back I followed a trail of red liquid leading to the exit, only then it struck me that it was blood. The next minute I saw a lamb freshly bathed and with flowers around its neck being led in and I understood why. I only remember the look on the lamb’s face, oblivious of the fate that awaited it.
This is not an isolated happening for you will find the Guardians everywhere. They have become more important than you
God, is this a part of your machinations? is it you who has ordained all this? Your Guardians have made you into a commodity and sell you and you keep watching. Of course you can be sold because there are buyers. The number of people wanting to see you, touch you and ask you for favours is ever increasing. So you see the demand is far outstripping the supply and maybe that’s why you have these Guardians. But how many come for your sake, to understand you and be with you?
Of course I know you will say, that only if I have true faith I shall overcome all the obstacles and you will reveal yourself to me. But the question now is ‘Why do I seek you and what difference does it make whether you reveal yourself or not? You are only making it more difficult and the obstacles insurmountable’.
Till next time,
Yours truly, once again I remain.