'ENNUI'

This 'ennui' at last overcame me and I was dead this afternoon to the happenings around and inside. but it is when it leaves, rather releases, that one feels the full impact of the flood of thoughts, that have been waiting, having been warded off, to pour inside you, to leave you gasping for breath. it is when one is afflicted with nostalgia. Does it not make you live in the past, to revel over your achievements and brood over your failures.
Don't you wallow in self pity and disappointments. We talk of sweet memories, the faces of loved ones, a whisper that is now old and hence lost.

All that is past is lost. The more we live in the past, the more are we lost to the present and this present lost will become a past we never knew.

DREAMS

DREAMS


I have been having these dreams on a consistent basis every night I go to sleep. I have had no nightmares, but I dream of places and people I have never come across in my life, apart from people I know and recognise and places I have known also appear . At times I find myself flying with ease from place to place. It appears that I am living another life in an alternate world and experiencing an alternate reality.

Freud says, “a dream is a disguised fulfilment of a repressed wish. The interpretation of dreams has as its object the removal of the disguise to which the dreamer's thoughts have been subjected. It is, moreover, a highly valuable aid to psycho-analytic technique, for it constitutes the most convenient method of obtaining insight into unconscious psychical life”.

While Carl Jung says, “I have no theory about dreams, I do not know how dreams arise. And I am not at all sure that - my way of handling dreams even deserves the name of a "method." I share all your prejudices against dream-interpretation as the quintessence of uncertainty and arbitrariness. On the other hand, I know that if we meditate on a dream sufficiently long and thoroughly, if we carry it around with us and turn it over and over, something almost always comes of it”.

I find Jung more truthful in his approach and I find him more acceptable to my view of life. Freud’s calling that a dream is a disguised fulfilment of a repressed wish is not always correct. When I find myself flying in my dreams I may accept that it is the fulfilment of a repressed wish. When I dream about people I know and the places I recognise it may be due to association with my present life. But what about faces I have never come across and places I have never visited? Is it due to an association with an alternate world or reality or is it due to a recollection of a past life? I know I am not mentally sick or schizophrenic, I do not remember the exact sequence of events of these dreams when I wake up, but do remember that they are not from my present past. A smile on the lips of a two month old child in its sleep cannot be the manifestation of a repressed wish or thought. I wonder what is making it smile.

PARENTING

Parenting


Parenting was not so difficult as it is today. It is done by the book rather than through our natural instincts as a parent. My children tell me as to how to bring up a child, forgetting that they are what they are today and they have not done badly in life so far. They are affectionate, a trait they retain due to affectionate parenting. Affection cannot be learned or taught through books. I may be a old fogey (not so old really), since I am a grandfather now, but I can still instinctually feel what a baby wants. So I find it really funny and at times annoying, when you have to refer to a page in the book on how to bring up a child to understand what the baby is feeling at the present moment. I understand that with the pressures on working parents to adhere to schedules, they do not have the time to sit and watch the baby grow. I also understand that with the tremendous advances in medical science, infant mortality has drastically come down and medical advice is readily available to take care of ailments. This is an aid available to us and should be immediately used in case of sickness. But trying to understand the mind of a child through reading books written by various psychologists, each expressing his own view will not alone help in building up the character of the child as he grows up.

We now start in a denial mode –‘ do not allow the child to suck its thumb or fingers, this is habit forming’. If you watch the infant growing up you will notice that it naturally takes its fingers to its mouth. No one has taught it to do so, it is a natural instinct at that stage of its growth. As it grows older we ourselves discourage this, lest it turns into a habit. By denying the baby its natural instinct in the initial stages itself, when it is not able to understand, we are only denying its comfort. I do not think there is an infant that has not sucked its thumb, we all have. The fact we no longer do it is that we do not need it at this stage.

Everyone wants his child to grow up as an excellent human being. This is true of all the parents, they want the best for the child. It is a competitive world and the knowledge levels are growing at an increasing pace. You now have the best educational facilities and naturally you want your child to do very well in life. There is tremendous pressure to do well in studies, and rise up to the expectations of the parents. This also is natural. But for the child to grow up as a decent intelligent human being and I place this above rearing up your child as the most intelligent person in the world, our own attitude matters most. We pass on to the child our behaviour patterns.

When I was working, I have counselled my employees to be punctual in office. I have told them not only am I watching them as their superior they are being watched more importantly by their own children. Their diligence and punctuality at work would also determine as to how their children fared in school or college. Not only do you pass on your positive but more importantly and undesirable you pass on your negative traits.

Employers now do not go by the intelligence of the candidate alone but lay stress more on his emotional intelligence. This is the capacity to perceive and manage one’s own emotions but more importantly be receptive to the other person’s emotions. It is the degree of empathy that one is able to develop, which will determine the success of his relationships in life. After all, that is what life is about. Are you as a parent, emotionally intelligent, have your relationships been successful? Ask yourself that question. May be you will find an answer to the success of your child in his life.

MEDITATION

MEDITATIONS


I walk inside my daughter’s apartment here. Outside it is getting colder and moreover outside it is only apartments and not the right place for a long walk. Broad and clean roads, too many cars and too little people. May be a walk in the Forest Park would have been invigorating. But it is not near. My daughter had taken me there earlier and it was beautiful with Fall colours. It is true that a walk outdoors is a great relaxation. I used to walk along the Tiruvanmiyur beach in Chennai in the morning, though there was a crowd of people walking there ( some very early birds ), it was a great experience just observing each one lost in their own thoughts, or overhearing a bunch of older people walking in front of you discussing and analysing the latest happenings in the city and the country. On the other side, the sea set its own rhythm with the sound of the waves. If you are early enough you could catch the sun rising as it changed from a mellow red to orange to gold in all its splendour. I have watched some very old couples sitting and watching the sea and the sun, a certain serenity on their faces which comes from having a lived a life together and having seen the various travails of life, now at peace with themselves. Many times I have felt like getting my camera and capturing these various moods. I may do it one day when I am back in Chennai. A walk outdoors is a meditation, where you are an observer of all the things around you, maybe as time goes on you may achieve a state of merging with the Absolute. However that would depend on the state of your awareness within.

But like I said, I started walking indoors not out of choice but due to constraints that I have outlined earlier. After my surgery I was forced to walk inside my house for at least two weeks, as I was advised against going outdoors for fear of catching infection. The walking space in my living room was adequate. I used to walk for about forty five minutes mentally measuring the distance I would have covered during that time, which was adequate for post surgery activity. Later when I was better I ventured out and later did all my walking inside the Marundeeswarar temple which was next door literally. Inside the Temple the path around the sanctum sanctorum was paved and quite long enough for a good walk. This was another experience as I was doing the rounds around the sanctorum absorbed in my thoughts and chanting the prayers I knew ( very few of course ). I always used to do this and continue doing even in my walks indoors. Each cycle would last about six minutes and I would have covered about half a kilometre. I used to do this even in Ahmedabad when I was in a better physical shape and used to jog covering about seven kilometres in an hour. My walk inside the temple brought in a more religious and spiritual element.

Now here in Saint Louis my walks have become more internalised. The apartment being large enough, I am able to walk at my normal speed without any disturbance as people here wake up late, of course the only exception being my wife who is up before me and in the kitchen. I would like to do it earlier before the sounds and smells of cooking from the kitchen distract me and my silence. Yes, here within the quietness of the apartment where no external sounds permeate, I take a walk within myself also. It was during one such walk that I awoke to the fact that this was meditation. Physically I cover a good three kilometres in forty five minutes, which I guess is good enough for my repaired heart. But it is this internalisation that has spurred me in my reflections.

In Pursuit of Happiness

IN PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS


True happiness cannot be pursued. It just happens and is entirely subjective. So why look for definitions and other people’s views on it. It is that moment when all other thoughts come to a standstill and you are immersed totally in that moment of joy. It happens to different persons at different moments and these moments pass by. It is only when one has attained total internalisation and is at peace with himself does perpetual happiness occur. This is for each individual to experience and pass from one state to another to everlasting happiness ( as you may call it ), Ananda is the final stage of SatChitAnanda. This is what you will in find in Indian Philosopy. You can only pursue internalisation in a quest to understand your Self . Perpetual Happiness is the end..



For me, these moments of happiness ( please note ‘moments’ ) occur when I-



Gaze into the eyes of a child

experience the pure innocence reflected there

Feel the smoothness of its cheeks,

and see the smile on its lips.



Watch the sun rising

while taking a walk on the beach,

With the sound

and the rhythm of the waves.



Experience the colours

of the Fall in all its glory,

And see the paintings

of Monet in the nearby gallery.



Marvel at the beauty

of Rebecca in the Salarjung Museum,

And speak

to the roses in the garden.



These are certain moments and they pass me by,

They remain etched in my memory, as I try

To understand what is my quest,

To perpetuate these moments ,try my best.

For these are goals that move away,

Before I can rest and have my say,

And hope everyone finds happiness

On his way.


gssubbu

FALL IN SAINT LOUIS

THE FALL


My daughter took me on a ride through the University area and the Forest Park where I had my first glimpse of the Fall colours. It was beautiful looking at the various shades of green, red, yellow and brown. I was lucky to catch the Fall before the leaves fell. As an added incentive there was an exhibition of Monet’s paintings in the art museum in the park. We did not have time to go in and my daughter promised to take me there before the exhibition closed.

‘The Fall’ by Albert Camus has always had a great impact on me since I read it more than three decades ago. Stripping oneself bare, exposing ones own hypocrisy and then rejuvenation. As I watched the leaves falling of from the tree near the balcony, once green then golden yellow, brown and now on the ground. The tree now barren stripped waiting for winter to be covered with white, with snow, rejuvenation in spring and glory in summer, to once again The Fall. And the circle continues. Is’nt it very similar to the processes we undergo during our lives. Then would winter signify the hibernation we undergo after death to be rejuvenated and born again during spring? An interesting introspection as I sit enclosed within the apartment.

SALVATION

SALVATION


From the hustle and bustle of Tiruvanmiyur to the quietness of my daughters apartment in Saint Louis was a transformation physically, the silence interspersed by the cries of a child, my grandson. As I gazed into Moksh’s eyes, the pure innocence reflected there and the peacefulness on his face when he went to sleep spurred the transformation within. I have never sat down near a new born baby after my second daughter’s birth. Then it was pure joy gazing in to the eyes of your own daughter, now looking at Moksh it was one of pride, my daughter’s son. But now may be I was finding what I was searching all along – pure innocence and peace, a feeling I got when I first looked at the portrait of Ramana Maharishi and the feeling of oneness when I sketched his portrait. Maybe Moksh is my salvation