DARKNESS AND BEYOND - A MEDLEY OF MANY LIVES- A RECOLLECTION

 

It’s been nine years since my book Darkness and Beyond - A Medley of Many Lives was published. Of all my books I found maximum fulfillment writing this. For it covers nine different people and their stories and I hover in the background travelling along in a bid to understand the common thread running through them. While a number of my friends did buy the book and some even put in a review, I can understand that there is a vast majority out there who have missed it, may be due to lethargy or a lack of reading habit. In any case I decided that this book needs rejuvenation and may be in the process motivate them to get and read it, of course I will be all the more elated if they leave a review- a feedback, for that is what the author looks forward to.

So I decided to introduce and tell you what the book is about. Since a number of you would have read the book I am putting this as a recap. So read on. It only gives a peep into each story. May be you will get interested, may be you will buy it and put up a review. In any case read this post. Thank you.

DARKNESS AND BEYOND - A MEDLEY OF MANY LIVES
A RECOLLECTION

It was a late December evening in 2013. As I began my walk back home, I watched the sun sink into the western horizon—a reddish glow slowly dissolving into the gathering dusk. Neon lights flickered on, one by one. When I paused and looked back along the beach road, I saw alternating stretches of light and shadow marking the path I had traversed. In that moment came an overwhelming realization: life itself unfolds in much the same way—an oscillation between light and darkness, between joy and suffering, each marking the passage of our existence.

Though darkness evokes in us a primal fear—the anxiety of dissolving into nothingness—we surrender to it every night, trusting that dawn will return. For a man sustained by hope, it seems only natural to believe that just as night yields to morning, there exists something beyond the darkness of death. We may not know what lies there, but it is hope that sustains us, that renders life meaningful. Without it, the very prolongation of existence would seem absurd.

It was from this reflection that Darkness and Beyond – A Medley of Many Lives was born.

This work is not merely about aging or the acceptance of life’s final passage. It is about those who have journeyed through darkness and found light—those who have discovered meaning, fulfillment, and authenticity in their existence. Whether it is the revolutionary fighting for the oppressed or the seeker in pursuit of ultimate truth, the quest remains the same: to dispel darkness—of suffering, of ignorance—and move toward light. Understanding and acceptance, in themselves, become the path to overcoming suffering.

Just as a medley in music weaves together different tunes into a continuous whole, so too is life—a confluence of many lives, many experiences, seamlessly intertwined.

I was barely six months old when my grandfather passed away. I am told he would quietly peer into my cradle, just to catch a glimpse of his sleeping grandson. From fragments of memory shared by elders, I have come to sense something deeply mystical about him. He was, by worldly standards, an ordinary man—simple and unassuming. Yet, in essence, he was extraordinary. He lived guided by an inner calling, a spiritually elevated soul held in quiet reverence.

*****

Roots traces my journey back to the village of my ancestors—a journey toward belonging, toward connection. It is a fictional biography of a man I never knew, reconstructed through memory and imagination. While the circumstances and characters are imagined, I believe the essence remains true.

It is also a meditation on what we have lost—the gradual movement away from our roots in pursuit of opportunity, and the disintegration of the joint family system that once anchored us. In rediscovering the past, we begin to understand the present.

*****

Sometimes, life alters course through the simplest of encounters. In The Old Man and I – Darkness and Beyond, an incidental meeting grows into a meaningful bond. The old man, standing at the twilight of his life, accepts his approaching end with remarkable calm. Sustained by hope, he reflects:

“I do not know what lies beyond. But just as light fades into darkness and darkness dissolves into dawn, I believe there is something beyond—and that belief is the hope I carry.”

It is a quiet affirmation of faith in the face of the unknown.

*****

As our children move away in search of their own futures, we are left to confront an unsettling reality—the possibility of growing old alone.

What does it mean to have a dignified end?

This question becomes urgent when we witness the slow erosion of a loved one—physically and mentally—through age and illness. Dementia, paralysis, and the gradual fading of identity reduce a person to a state of existence without presence. It is one of life’s most painful experiences: to watch someone you love disappear while still alive.

In Waiting for Deliverance, I attempt to explore both perspectives—the sufferer and the caregiver. The anxiety is universal:

“We are growing old. When my time comes, I wish it to be swift. I dread becoming a burden… Love should never be tested that way.”

There are no easy answers. Only questions that linger.

*****

The turbulence of youth and ideology finds expression in Master Moshai, set against the backdrop of the Naxalite movement. It reflects a clash between violent revolution and transformative change through awareness and education.

Those were years of unrest—the Vietnam War, cultural upheavals, and closer home, the birth of Bangladesh and the Naxalite uprising. I witnessed fragments of this as a young observer. Though the story is fictional, its emotional and historical grounding remains real.

*****

Relationships, too, are fraught with complexity.

In A Man and A Woman, I explore the fragile balance between commitment and individuality. There is no perfect relationship—only imperfect individuals attempting to coexist.

Perhaps conflicts arise less from circumstance and more from the absence of empathy. And sometimes, choosing to walk away is not failure, but a form of liberation.

*****

Music, unlike any other art form, has the power to transcend the senses.

When we close our eyes to listen, we heighten our awareness of sound. For the visually impaired, this becomes a gateway to experiencing the world.

A Light in the Darkness follows the life of a boy born blind, whose parents help him discover meaning through music—a reminder that deprivation in one sense can awaken depth in another.

*****

In The Patriarch, Periyachamy rises from deprivation to become the head of a large family. His life rests on two pillars—faith and loyalty. Through struggle and perseverance, he discovers that even the deepest darkness can be dispelled by hope.

*****

The idea of transformation finds a powerful echo in the story of Raju from Guide. A flawed man, shaped by circumstance, ultimately finds spiritual fulfillment—not through miracles, but through surrender.

“I am doing what I have to do; that is all.”

In that surrender lies liberation—the erasure of ego, the acceptance of purpose. Not all who seek truth become saints. Some, like the Buddha, arrive at it through deep introspection. Others have sainthood thrust upon them. And some merely assume its appearance.

Ekant, The Savant, belongs to neither category. He is simply a seeker—one who understands that true renunciation is not an act, but a state of being.

“One does not renounce. One simply outgrows the need to possess.”

*****

Finally, Tonsured – A Tale of Two Widows revisits a painful chapter in our social history—the marginalization of widows. Though reformers like Raja Rammohan Roy and Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar fought against such practices, remnants persist even today.

This story is one of suffering, resilience, and eventual redemption—a journey from darkness into light through human compassion.

*****

At its heart, Darkness and Beyond is not about death, but about life—about how we endure, evolve, and find meaning. It is a tapestry of human experiences, a medley of many lives. And through it all runs a single thread: That no matter how deep the darkness, there is always—somewhere, somehow—a light.

GROWING UP WITH Dr. AMBEDKAR, Kamal and NG Uke A book by Varsha Uke Nagpal

 

GROWING UP WITH Dr. AMBEDKAR
Kamal and NG Uke        

A book by Varsha Uke Nagpal

There are two reasons why it took me such a long time to go through this book. The first was due to unavoidable personal inconveniences and the second and more important reason was that as I started reading the book it took me some time to wade through the labyrinth of characters and make connections to integrate myself with the flow. In the process I was astonished  at the minute details etched out whether it be of the individual characters or the places involved. I would term this work of Varsha as a labour of love delving deep into understanding her roots. I myself have tried to do that but found the process tedious and found myself lost in making connections and so it lies incomplete. That is where Varsha’s attempt to go back nearly a hundred years and stitch together in a cohesive manner the biography of her parents - Kamal and NG Uke.  and the relationship they enjoyed with Dr. Ambedkar.

I have a question for Varsha - 

What was her motivation to attempt such a work? At some point in our lives there comes an yearning in us to understand where we came from and and authenticate our identity. Motivation is one thing and sustaining that urge requires a commitment. Most of us give up midway through the process. That is where Varsha stands out. I am astounded at the extent of commitment and perseverance she has displayed in completing what she started. I am sure that it must have taken her number of years to compile the data especially the family tree, not in any sense an easy job, for after completing the book you get a feeling that she has lived through the entire period of her forefathers lives as an observer to every single event. The description is so authentic that though the number of people who inhabit the book is large, as you read they come alive in front of you. This requires a high degree of sensitivity and kudos to Varsha for having been true in her narration without melodrama or exaggeration.

It would be necessary for me to quote the very first paragraph of Chapter 1 BEGINNING -

‘It was a fine morning, just like any other morning when the sun rises from the east in all its majesty. The sky turned pink, then a shade of orange, and then with a golden glow, suddenly a ball emerged from the horizon and announced to the whole world that another day had just begun. The birds chirped all around and having plenty of time to myself, I decided to embark on a leisurely journeyto the place where I belong- Kurud’

A perfect beginning, lyrical and and the intent made clear. I presume that it took her three to four years chronicling not only the lives of her ancestors but travelling to the places where her parents, grandparents and other relations lived. She describes Kurud as a very tiny village located in the Naxalite infested district of Gadchiroli in Maharashtra. 

In fact the story starts nearly 275 years ago around the year 1740 CE when one of her ancestors Kaho and two of his brothers left Kondha Kosara village of Bhandhara district and moved southwards in search of employment. They travelled along the Wainganga river. That is how Kaho and his brothers reached a dwelling area named Kurud. While both his brothers moved on, Kaho decided to settle down at Kurud. And that is where our story starts.

It was Gomaji her grandfather who grew up to be a nonconformist, with an inquisitive nature and a questioning attitude, traits he seem to have passed on his third son Narayan. While it is not my intention to trace the life of Narayan here, there is enough information in the book to help one to travel along with him and admire his sheer persistence, hard work, and support from the family, Narayan was able to a secure a scholarship from the British Government to go to London for higher studies, a rare privilege for a boy from a Primary school in Kurud. In fact in the Preface to the book Varsha describes her father Narayan as a staunch atheist and would discuss the existence of God. 

While much is written about Narayan and his family and like I said earlier, one tends to get lost in the slew of characters, I have found many portions of the book fascinating, especially Narayan’s journey to London by ship, his life in London and the life changing meetings with Dr. Ambedkar.

Chapter 13th of the book details the journey of Narayan to London. It is Varsha’s master stroke to reproduce the notes in the Blue Diary  maintained by her father. This pushes the reader to experience the travel of 15 days to London along with Narayan. Each day during the journey has been chronicled in detail. All the 14 days 0f the journey in fact reads like a Captains log. The description of the journey is a highpoint in the book, for as you read you feel you are also on that ship ‘

It is the Blue Diary that meticulously chronicles the life led by Narayan in London, the people he met, the friends he made. And it is this diary that introduces us to Dr. Ambedkar. 

In the the chapter ‘Musings of a Young Heart’ Narayan gives us a glimpse of the emotions while leaving after having spent his first summer vacation in the UK and where he had formed close friends and relationships and experiencing the pain of separation. He writes ‘All memorable things in this world end soon. They are a matter of some moments and seconds only. What is life? Nothing but a bubble of air in water, As to when it will finish no one knows’. This chapter brings out the sentimental and empathetic side of Narayan. 

But perhaps the most important portion in the book are the meetings he had with Dr. Ambedkar and coming under his tutelage. His views on life and and politics being shaped by him.  

For me and to a vast majority of us, we have known Dr. B.R. Ambedkar as the chief architect of the Constitution of India, a visionary leader who championed social justice, equality, and human rights, especially for India's marginalized communities (Dalits). He served as India's first Law Minister, fought against untouchability, advocated for women's rights, and led mass conversions to Buddhism, leaving a profound legacy as a jurist, economist, social reformer. But it is through this book one gets a peek into the person Babasaheb was through Narayan’s Diary.  

The second part of the book details the life of Kamal Uke, the author’s mother. In the Preface to the book Varsha says that her parents were as different as chalk and cheese with respect to their background. Narayan was from a remote tiny village while Kamal was born in the urban city of Nagpur. Whereas Narayan was a staunch atheist, Kamal believed in one superstition. So it is of interest to note that their union was brought about by Dr. Ambedkar who was close to both the families. 

Varsha’s book not only tells the story of her parents but covers the entire Uke and Meshram family. It is a book that covers not only their lives but also the political, social and cultural history of those times. Written in a simple and structured narrative, the book motivates the reader to go in search of one’s own roots and understand the great achievements and sacrifices of their ancestors. Summing up it is a classic work of genealogy. 

A Motivational Session at St. Patrick’s High School – 23rd January 2026

 

A Motivational Session at St. Patrick’s High School – 23rd January 2026

It all started during a casual conversation with my dentist. When he asked me where I did my schooling from, I replied ‘St. Patricks High School, Adyar, Chennai’, he was pleasantly surprised and said “Sir I am also a Patrician”. Thus started the reconnect with my Alma Mater after six decades. 

I was asked by the Alumni of St. Patricks High School, Adyar to give a motivational talk to the students of the 11th and 12th standards. Being an Alumnus myself, having passed out of the school in 1965, it was an opportunity and an honour to interact with the students who were on the threshold of stepping out into the future that would determine the course of their lives. The school itself had grown in size with the addition of more buildings and hostels. But what pleased me most was that the old building stood there intact with the classrooms where once we had attended classes, and carrying memories. The school had completed 150 years since it was established. The campus is beautiful with a lot of green cover and situated on the banks of the Adyar river. In a lighter vein it appeared that I was perhaps one of the oldest members in the Alumni. I also noted that many of the members were not even born when I passed out of school in 1965.

I couldn’t recollect when I had last addressed a gathering, but I am sure it was when I was in active service in the bank. Maybe some seminars, farewell speeches and the like. This was different, this was supposed to be a motivational session where the audience consisted of a generation far removed from my own, whose knowledge levels, aspirations and expectations were more demanding, growing up in an atmosphere of extreme competition and opportunities. Initially it was daunting, but then I realized that whichever generation we belong to, the basic emotions and instincts would remain the same. 

I was clear that this was not going to be a speech or a lecture for there is always the danger of it ending up as a sermon or a monologue and I did not want to do either of them. So I said ‘let us have a talk’ for it ensures there is a dialogue and participation. And that’s what I did.  

And this is what I talked -

“Standing here today is deeply emotional for me. Exactly sixty years ago, I walked out of these gates as a 15-year-old boy — slim, serious, slightly confused, but absolutely convinced that I was destined for something “big”! At that age, of course, we all think we know everything. We have strong opinions. We have big plans.

When I was in Class X, the most dangerous question an adult could ask was:

“So… what do you want to become?” In my time, the options were very limited. You were either going to be a doctor or an engineer. That was it. No data science, no AI, no entrepreneurship, no content creators, no start-ups. If you said you wanted to “explore,” people would look at you as if you needed medical attention! Since I was reasonably good at Mathematics and Science, I confidently announced, “Engineer.” It sounded impressive. It satisfied relatives. And it saved me from further questioning.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder — did I choose engineering, or did engineering quietly choose me? But let me tell you something important: at 15, it is perfectly fine not to have all the answers. In fact, if you think you have all the answers at 15, life will soon correct you — gently… or sometimes not so gently!

When I think of my journey, I realise something very clearly: whatever I became later in life had its roots here. It was within these classrooms that I began to discover my strengths. It was on this playground that I learned teamwork. It was under the guidance of our teachers that I learned discipline. They didn’t merely teach us subjects. They shaped our thinking. They insisted on punctuality. They corrected our grammar. They demanded neat handwriting — something many of you have successfully escaped thanks to keyboards! But beyond academics, they instilled something far more valuable — character.

I love what Salvador Dalí once said: “At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.” That quote always makes me smile. Because it is so true. Dreams change they evolve as you grow and that is perfectly natural. The key is not to panic when your dreams change. The key is to grow with them.

My Journey took me from St. Patrick’s High School, to Loyola College, and later to IIT Kharagpur. It was not all smooth sailing. There were moments of doubt. There were exams that did not go as planned. There were nights of anxiety before results. And yes, there were days when I wondered whether I truly belonged there.

What I learned was that talent may open the door but discipline keeps you in the room. Success is usually the result of small, consistent efforts repeated every day. There are no shortcuts, the real progress happens quietly through persistence.

One of the biggest challenges you face today is competition and  comparison. As someone who has seen six decades of change from a youth just out of school to where I find myself today, the biggest hurdle I have faced is comparison. It robs us of our joy, confidence and potential. Growth is not a competition; it is a personal evolution. We all want to grow, to be loved and held in high esteem. We work towards realizing our full potential and fulfillment

Ambition is important. Without ambition, we drift. But ambition must be balanced. When I talk of ambition I look at it as -

Personal growth – To become healthier, wiser, more confident, emotionally balanced, understand , empathize and accept. 

Career growth – To excel in your chosen field, whatever it may be.

Social growth – To contribute, to give back, to uplift others.

At different stages in our life success undergoes a transformation- from winning to earning, to stability and ultimately you will understand success as significance.

I have narrowed down on five words which could perhaps help you to focus on the journey ahead and achieve your goals -

Persistence, Patience, Purpose, Passion, Principles. And of course there is one ‘P’ which should be avoided and that is Procrastination.

As I stand here today, sixty years after I left these gates, I feel — Gratitude to this institution, to my teachers, to my parents and lastly to life itself. When I left St. Patrick’s as a boy, I carried dreams. Today, I return carrying memories… and immense respect for the foundation this school gave me.

One day, many decades from now, one of you will stand here — perhaps as a leader, a scientist, an artist, an entrepreneur — and you will say, “It all began here.”

My journey began here. Yours is unfolding now. Make it meaningful, ethical, and joyful. Before I end I shall leave it to you to answer for yourself at some stage in your life -

What difference did I make?

Whose life did I improve?

Did I live by my principles.

Thank you, and may your future be bright and purposeful”.

MEMOIRS, JOURNALS AND CONVERSATIONS by GS.SUBBU

 

MEMOIRS, JOURNALS AND

CONVERSATIONS

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

                                                                                    ― William Wordsworth,

“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”

                                                                                    ― William Wordsworth

BLURB

GS. Subbu puts together bits and pieces, slices of life, in metaphors, in conversations, and in humor, to arrive at an understanding of the world we live in, of relationships and empathy, a journey of learning,  an inquiry into life, and an acceptance of reality,. Memoirs, Journals, and Conversations’ is metaphorical in its contents, whether it is the author  talking to himself or with objects surrounding him, leading one to serious introspection. The author in his own words says “I pause to reflect on what I have seen and experienced, what I have understood about life, and what it means to live”. Appreciation of Art, The Dream of a Disturbed Man a short science fiction story, Homage and A Tribute to All Parents also form important portions of the book

PREFACE

When I reflect on my journey as a writer, I feel fulfilled and satisfied that I have been able to say what I wanted, an outlet for my feelings, views, and explorations into territories that had eluded me before. I now await to venture into fresher pastures. But before that, I wish to share with my readers and seek their indulgence to undertake the journey along with me, for after all, it is they who have pushed me from milestone to milestone.  

I found in the process that I could explore all those things that I have been passionately interested in like art – painting, and music. It was on the way, on that journey, I saw things with a new perspective, a perspective that had been sharpened by the experiences on the way. I came across two amazing books that played a large part in my development as a writer and helped me become a published author from a blogger – ‘On Writing’ by Stephen King and ‘Fallen Leaves’ by Will Durant. I learned from Stephen King that “If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There’s no way around these two things that I’m aware of, no shortcut. Good writing teaches the learning writer about style, graceful narration, plot development, the creation of believable characters, and truth-telling. We read to experience the mediocre and the outright rotten; such experience helps us to recognize those things when they begin to creep into our own work and to steer clear of them. We also read in order to measure ourselves against the good and the great, to get a sense of all that can be done. And we also read to experience different styles.” 

To this day I fall back upon Will Durant and it becomes more relevant as you age and the years pass you by. ‘Fallen Leaves’ is considered his most personal book and the last, presenting his own opinions on the major problems of life, politics, religion, and society. I have taken the liberty to reproduce  from the Preface to the book where he writes-

“Vanity increases with age. Here I am, going on ninety-five; by this time I should have learned the art of silence, and should realize that every educated reader has already heard all opinions and their opposites; yet here I set out, fearful and rash, to tell the world – or one hundred millionth of it – just what I think on everything. It is all the more ridiculous since at my age, a man is deeply rooted in the ways or views of his youth, and is almost constitutionally incapable of understanding the changing world that assails him, and from which he tends to flee into the grooves of the past or the safety of his home.” 

There has been a perceptible slowing down, especially after 2020, and I recognize that. Maybe I can no longer run, but still capable of pushing my way to the next milestone, and like Durrant says, I am also learning the art of Silence.

I pause to reflect on what I have seen and experienced, what I have understood about life, and what it means to live. I ask myself whether it is vanity that forces me to write. Maybe it is there in some measure, but to be truthful, I have found that my writing is a mirror I hold in front to understand the lessons that life has taught me. It has taught me that each day is a celebration. As you wake up to see the sun streaming through the windows and you stretch your limbs, re-enacting the very process of being born again and living one more day, it is a CELEBRATION. 

I feel indebted to all those authors and their books for having shown me the way whenever I faced a wall. I find it necessary to list here the learning points and processes I underwent while reading them, especially Stephen King’s ON WRITING and Will Durant’s ‘FALLEN LEAVES’ 

The need to arrive at a comprehensive view of life through my own and the lives of others has been my inspiration. I see stories in every person I meet and every place I visit, and they inspire me.

When I look back at the road I have traveled, I keep discovering those little joys, some sadness, successes, failures, and questions about life.   

All writers undergo the same process: an idea, giving it form, writing it down, reading, editing, re-reading, re-editing, and the final product. It is an iterative process until you are satisfied that you have nearly put down what you wanted. Research becomes an integral part when you write across different locations and timelines.

The most fulfilling aspect of writing is the ability to translate emotions, ideas, and perceptions, which are intangible, into words. It is an outlet for your imagination and a world of your own where you are the creator. Imagery is an essential part of storytelling. I have relied on it to capture the mind of the reader and enhance their reading experience so that they can visualize the setting on which a story is based. 

This book is essentially a selection from my writings over the years. I thought it fit to group them in the form of memoirs and journals to give a wholesome picture and bring it out in the form of a book. I am sure the reader will find it seamless and travel on the journey with me. 

This journey of selecting from what I have written over the last fifteen years and editing and putting them together has been rewarding and, at the same time, a satisfaction of evaluating how far I have traveled on my journey to self-discovery.

AUTHOR BIO

This is the sixth book of GS.Subbu (the others being- ‘I am just an Ordinary Man’, ‘Darkness and Beyond- A Medley of Many LIves’, ‘Autumn Leaves- Seasons of Life’, ‘The Diary of Mrityunjay’ and ‘Secrets of the Soul’. An Engineer by qualification and a Banker by profession, Subbu started his journey in writing as a blogger, after his retirement. His blog ‘Sublimation’ has been the backbone of his writings. ‘Memoirs, Journals and Conversations’ is a compilation of a selection of his writings over the last decade and half, exploring various aspects of life. 

The book is now available on

https://www.amazon.in/dp/B0G8FHTDV7

https://direct.notionpress.com/in/read/memoirs-journals-and-conversations/