THE ROAD TRAVELED - MILESTONES
A JOURNEY OF LIFE’S LESSONS- PART 7
When I published my first book, ‘I Am Just An Ordinary Man,’ a decade ago,in 2014, it was as if I had foreseen where the path would lead. I think it fit to reproduce here the first few lines of Chapter 3 (Sublimation) of the book-
‘My movements have slowed down over the years. I recognize that. My walks have become shorter in distance and in time. It is normal I guess, as one grows older. But it is when my daughter tells me, “Papa, you have started forgetting things” that I start to ask myself what is wrong. You see I used to be absent-minded before, but that was my normal state and it was accepted as a part of the person I was. But now they think this is serious for they fear I have started suffering memory loss. I was going through what I had written twenty years ago and recalled what my daughter said then, about my being in la la land or in other words in dreamland. Even I had accepted that I was a dreamer. “But wasn’t I always like that?” I asked her. She replied “No, then you consciously avoided remembering things, because you did not pay attention to what was happening around. Now things do not register in your mind even when you are actively there.’
A decade has elapsed since then, and now I find myself again sitting on a milestone staring at the path ahead. It happened then also and I had chosen the path less travelled. I then had the courage and the energy to push forward and explore and find answers which had been eluding me, to the questions which had been pushed to the background. Though the first stirrings occurred five decades ago when the existential question of ‘Who am I’ arose prompted by the teachings of Ramana Maharishi and perhaps due to my stepping into untested waters after graduation and what lay ahead, I settled slowly into a normal life, a pattern familiar and secured. The questions of identity were pushed aside for I thought I had found mine - a normal man, well settled, married, and a family. Though there were periods of discontent and an evaluation of one’s worth, these were not serious enough to make me deviate from the normal.
That was the first crossroads I encountered and I chose the well-traveled one. And, after that, it was the straight road I stuck to, pausing here and there at milestones, to gaze at what I had left behind and with it a part of myself. But that was the process of traveling towards goals which appeared to be shifting every time I thought I had reached one. Not that I did not encounter further crossroads, but they were inconsequential given my desire to move ahead and a reluctance to move away from the normal.
It happened in 2010 when the first break from the normal happened when I retired, veering away and rejoicing in newfound freedom, looking ahead at a new normal. But that didn’t happen. Soon, the stirrings that had occurred nearly four decades ago reappeared - the same existential questions. This time I had the choice to explore or continue as I was. And I chose to explore. So I slowly moved away from the milestone where I had rested for a while towards the road less traveled.
My explorations were translated through my writings, first through my blog and then my books. That is how my first book happened- an inner exploration and an evaluation of what I was. The first few lines of the book are indicative of the state of my mind -
“Sir, you asked me who I am. What shall I say? I have been
asking myself this question for quite some time and reached
Nowhere.”
‘I Am Just An Ordinary Man’ was a journey to understand the questions that arose out of the angst of existence and finally to accept the reality of living and the finality of death. It was the world as I saw it; it was my world. I also believed that these were questions that plagued every other individual.
I learned a lot from interacting and observing the world outside my being without being judgmental. ‘Darkness and Beyond- A Medley of Many Lives’ was a journey into the external world, being part of a larger process of experiencing, understanding, and acceptance. Each chapter is a slice of life, in search of a meaning that would define existence; in search of the ‘Beyond’ of this ‘Darkness’. It has been a journey, an exploration of life in its many facets, taking me closer to a better understanding of what this life is all about, Hope.
An inconsequential meeting with an old man turned into a meaningful relationship. In ‘The Old Man and I – Darkness and Beyond’, the old man accepts his transition through the twilight zone of his life with equanimity, spurred on by the hope that there is after all something beyond this approaching darkness; the dawn of a new life beyond - ‘I do not know what lies beyond, but since light fades into darkness and the darkness melts away with the dawn of a new morning, I believe that there does exist something beyond this darkness and that is the hope I carry with me.’
The reality of aging and loneliness is predominant, the younger generation moving still further away and the older ones slowly learning to cope with being by themselves. In ‘Autumn Leaves-Seasons of Life,’ I explored the reality of the disintegration of families from what was once a joint one with a ruling patriarch and the other members strewn around not far away, to single units ultimately spread out in far and distant lands; the slow but perceptible shifting away in distance and relationships and acceptance of which as a reality was unalterable.
It was then that Mrityunjay happened. I paused between milestones to re-evaluate my life and try to move forward towards resolving the angst that had all the while enveloped me. It was Mrityunjay who taught me, what it is to live and what it is to love, content in the knowledge that life is not only gathering knowledge of the self but that there is a deeper purpose that embraces humanity and giving back in the form of service, compassion, and empathy. ‘The Diary of Mrityunjay’ is a journey of self-discovery. It was my journey within, that manifested itself in Mrityunjay.
That was four years ago and ever since I have been languishing at a crossroads again. A certain listlessness and inertia had crept in. And now today, as I sit on this milestone contemplating, I have been asked ‘What happened to Mriyunjay?’ by people who have followed my explorations, that it dawned on me that the journey of Mrityunjay had to continue for life with its infinite possibilities never stops and the road never really ends.
I recollect a passage from Will Durant’s book ‘Fallen Leaves’ - “I know that life is in its basis a mystery; a river flowing from an unseen source and in its development an infinite subtlety; a ‘dome of many-colored glass’, too complex for thought, much less for utterance.”
8 comments:
Hi Subbu, their is a certain felicity to your writing , which makes it flow, in a sincere and unaffected manner. Much like Ernest Hemingway. Keep going,buddy. Not many among us have taken the road less travelled. It's our loss.
Subbu sir, you are the best 👌 आप बेस्ट थे, बेस्ट हो, बेस्ट रहोगे 🥰
It is so kind of you to share your internal thoughts and reflections. It helps many others who are not able to give words to their vague similar feelings and thus find your writings like a wipe that clears their dusty mirror and they are able to see images similar to the ones you describe graphically. To that extent you become a Guru to them - they are able to get a clearer glimpse of what they felt only vaguely earlier. So, continue to be useful in this unique way. And to me to be continually useful is fulfilment of life. Godspeed to your never ending journey of many lives.
Good morning sir. I have read most of your books a brief summary of what has transpired in one's life from the time he realises n evaluates and then beautifully presenting a reality and anyone reading through these books cancorrelate to their life path
I have also gone through many such moments and honestly after the death of my boved wife Almost 5 years before and living within the 4 walls sometimes sends shivering in my spine but as one knows human mind is a monkey brain n starts thinking in a dream world of IFs And Cons
Many Negative thoughts do surface and I try to play chess n everydayinteract withmy wonderful intelligent talented grandson
This s keeps my brain and thoughts active n in POSITIVE MODE
I Told this story because ur new book willmake every person young or old to introspect and think positive
As you said in Chennai ne book THETE IS LIGHT AFTER DARKNESS
Wishing you all the best and hope u continue your writing habit to gives us energy
Mohan
Chennai
An engrossing read, smoothly flowing like the river in the Durant quote. Mrityunjay has many roads ahead of him. But it is not for him to choose; it's his "creator"'s choice! You could title it "Mrityunjay's Cat" to give a hint of the angst, existential and hypothetical.
That was such an interesting read. Looking forward to your comeback with Mrityunjay.
River Nile runs for 6700kms from Lake Victoria in Kenya , through a number of countries before it confluences with the Mediterranean Sea in north Egypt.After initial rapids through rocky terrain , the river mellows down and smoothly flows from Aswan till its confluence with Sea. Your journey till 2014 when you wrote your first book, was similar to the course of this mighty river till it reaches Aswan.Once the rugged terrain is crossed, you r thought process came back to the sub conscious urge to understand the meaning of existence. That is where sublimation of the thought process started.By the time you wrote Mrintyunjay’s diary, you have reached the crossroads where you have many choices ahead from the beaten path. I for one who believes it is within you power to make the choice of your path ahead and given the Nike like flow of your thought process you are correctly proceeding to understand the meaning of human existence like the calm Nile finds the Sea.
Hence it is necessary Mrintyunjay starts the next chapter of his diary. Godspeed!
Please write your thoughts down and publish your next book. I'm sure many will relate to this feeling of not knowing where one is going or the very purpose of existence once one is out of the workforce. I like how you write your thoughts and add relevant quotes from literature making your writing a delight to read.
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